'[a]s your lies crumble down __ xx

2007-07-08T21:15:00.000+08:00

updated! i have revived my blog with this meaningless post. lol. (:

2007-06-17T21:58:00.000+08:00

ahh sighs i have to make this a short post as well, not much time left.

parents are supposed to be understanding. if only if that was the case. ahh just forget it. shall not elaborate. bleahhs these few days have been boring. except my birthday, which was better. (: yupps i'm now 14. hahas yeah but there's too much pressure placed to birthdays, so when it doesn't live up to your expectation, well... never mind. at least the gifts were better. (:

i have to cut this short. remember the camp i went for loong loong ago? yeahs it was supposed to be really boring, but it was nice! hahas it was a learning experience, plus made some new friends too hahas. (: wow i'm really getting cheerful. just hope this can keep up! (: byes!

2007-06-17T00:11:00.000+08:00

okay i'm gonna make this really short. i'm really sorry but recently i haven't felt like posting or just didn't have the time. so i promise to make a longer post one of these days okays? hahas and yeah i'm becoming less emo cos it's my wish and and a promise to others. maybe if i have time, which i reaally doubt it, i'll change the blogskin. IF. (: hahas yupp really have been cheering up recently but if there is an occasionally emo post please forgive me okays? ><

yupps okay thats all for now. will really tryto post asap. byes! (:

2007-06-13T00:23:00.000+08:00

ive fallen so hard for you.

i dont know how to pick myself up again.

i would give it all up for you.

and youve stolen my heart.

give me a sign.

i dont know what to do.

i want to hold you in my arms forever.

and ever.

and to never let go.

please.

just love me like i love you.

2007-06-10T23:30:00.000+08:00

i need you.

i want you.

what i would give to see you.

what i would give to hold you.

i dont know how you feel.

but i just wish you knew how i feel.

without you,

i am nothing.

2007-06-08T00:22:00.000+08:00

its been really boring recently, so havent been posting. yupps some of you would be happy anyway so it doesnt matter i suppose.

erm went for physics remedial today. it seemed so... simple. bleahhs im not showing of but... i did uber badly for the test, and i suppose it was cos i didnt study. not much. well i guess its easier to me now cos i actually rmbr the formulas and it involves maths, so it easy i guess.

and im going off for some church retreat so probably wont post til... monday. i doubt my absence will be felt so you dont care but for the rare few who actually will ask where did calvin go, yeah this is for you.

give me something to believe in, cause i don't believe in you, anymore, anymore. i wonder if it even makes a difference to try, yeah, so this is goodbye.

2007-06-05T22:45:00.000+08:00

i know you told me. im getting out of your sight and dont worry. i wont regret it. and if you read this and actually give a damn, help me tell that person im sorry. sincerely.

like i said, the regret wont sink in, and even if you call me a coward, well thats just too bad for me. its none of your fucking business.

2007-06-05T00:43:00.001+08:00

i held my arms open for you, waiting. but you never came.

2007-06-03T23:44:00.001+08:00

shall make this a short one, i have a splitting headache so i have to sleep earlier. bleahh.

ive been thinking about my emo-ness, whether actually it is natural or something that makes me more abnormal than i already am. its seems unavoidable, i try not to be emo but i never seem to be happy for more than a few days. yea sometimes i can be rather cheerful, more optimistic. but after a while i turn all emo again. its like... it cant be helped. i try to run away, but i catchs up with me time after time. again. its like a daily routine. like when i go to school, im rarely emo around my friends, or at least i think i have friends. the mood is so... contagious. its impossible to be emo, even if for some freak reason i wanted to be.

and thats what i am. a freak.

2007-06-03T16:28:00.000+08:00

sigh. havent posted for a few days cos my stupid com crashed. and my dad keeps on blaming it on my dls cos they take up too much space. it was my fault, alright? i shifted files when the torrent program was still running. he doesnt even listen to whatever i say, its just probably an excuse to get me to stop dling my 'nonsense'. what crap is that. sigh its been rather boring this few days so it doesnt matter anyway. heres a quiz i found from dewins blog.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion		50%
Stability		33%
Orderliness		16%
Accommodation		43%
Interdependence		56%
Intellectual		23%
Mystical		36%
Artistic		30%
Religious		50%
Hedonism		16%
Materialism		56%
Narcissism		30%
Adventurousness		63%
Work ethic		10%
Self absorbed		63%
Conflict seeking		56%
Need to dominate		50%

Romantic		76%
Avoidant		36%
Anti-authority		50%
Wealth		43%
Dependency		50%
Change averse		56%
Cautiousness		36%
Individuality		63%
Sexuality		70%
Peter pan complex		43%
Physical security		70%
Physical Fitness		57%
Histrionic		50%
Paranoia		56%
Vanity		30%
Hypersensitivity		76%
Indie		43%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

traits: messy, irritable, depressed, fragile, worrying, emotionally sensitive, does not like to lead, phobic, weird, suspicious, low self control, paranoid, frequently second guesses self, dependent, unproductive, introverted, weak, strange, unassertive, submissive, familiar with the dark side of life, feels invisible, rash, vain, anti-authority, heart over mind, low self concept, disorganized, not good at saving money, avoidant, daydreamer, unadventurous

heh. i guess the results are kinda true. most of it anyway.

2007-05-29T23:18:00.001+08:00

shit. where are you when i need you.

2007-05-29T21:13:00.000+08:00

if i could find you now things would get better.
we could leave this town and run forever.
i know somewhere, somehow we'll be together.
let your waves crash down on me and take me away.

Ocean Avenue - Yellowcard

i'm not a perfect person
there's many things i wish i didn't do
but i continue learning
i never meant to do those things to you
and so i have to say before i go
that i just want you to know

i've found out a reason for me
to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you

i'm sorry that i hurt you
it's something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put you through
i wish that i could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears
thats why i need you to hear

...

i've found a reason to show
a side of me you didn't know
a reason for all that i do
and the reason is you

The Reason - Hoobastank

you're all i want. you're all i need. but you don't belong to me. you're simply out of my reach. maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

2007-05-28T23:07:00.000+08:00

shall make this a short post, dont really feel like posting. kinda boring, this hols, not much to do just stay at home and stone. zzz. still abit sick so couldnt go for training. maybe later this week... im super bored already and im not allowed to use the com during the day. it sucks but oh well...

hmm oh yes by the way i missed out something about MM. on the third day, we also shortly visited some temple with 272 steps. i thought i would be easy considering the steps we climb to the 7th floor everyday for lessons. it was tougher than expected, but nothing unmanagable. there were wild monkeys everywhere, kinda funny. the inside, or rather at the top there was the huge open space, and the was the area where it wasnt caved and when you look up you could see the sky. was kinda cool.

seriously dont feel up to blogging anymore, so i guess thats all for today.

2007-05-27T23:29:00.000+08:00

okay now i shall post about the malaysian montage. sorry if i bored you with the synopsis in the previous post, but the series is seriously damn nice.

okay anyway, on the first day, we assembled at 7 in school, but we waited til about 8 or 8 plus before we actually boarded the bus. a long trip on the bus, was mainly stoning and listening to my mp3. we reached some forest at 3 plus when they were expecting us at 2. much delay. we then walked for almost an hour before we reached this open area. the was a talk, followed by small activities, and slight refreshments. then we planted trees, attaching our names to it. seriously, it wasnt very interesting. the whole day was really boring, until dinner at the hotel. we had some activities and a talk after that. it was slightly better, but still kinda boring on the whole. we then went to our rooms, and i was rejoicing when i found out there had been some kind of mix up and russell wasnt in my room. then he complained to eric koh that he had no room, some he somehow landed in kenneths room, cos his room had 3 people. he was some pissed then he moved to my room. dont know if it was really allowed but who cares. when the teachers came to our rooms over the next few days they didnt say anything anyway.

on the second day, we went for a lighthouse trek in the morning. they made us go one huge round around the mountain or whatever it is and it took us 2 hours of steep climbing when there was a 2 minute staircase which led right to the top. so at first when i found out i was as pissed as the rest of my group, but looking back, i guess it was kinda okay, fun even, though tiring. i mean it was the whole point of the montage, well at least part of it. the view at the top was breath-taking as well, we even managed to see a cool whirlpool! xD we went back to the hotel for lunch after that, and i can say that was the best meal from the hotel during our whole trip. burgers, fries, fried rice and mashed potato. mmm. (: well anyway we went to a village after lunch. was quite interesting, first we learnt how to weave baskets, then had some activities, though that was a bit lame. then we went to some sugar cane place. bit off like half of it before i gave it to stephen. he ate like 3 or 4, wth. -.- then we saw some latex tree then we went back for the water bomb fight with the teachers. it was kinda fun, but a bit stupid. when the thing started, i just chionged in and grabbed the balloon and ran back in like 5 seconds. barely got wet. and my group werent allowed to do anything anymore, cos we had completed the so-called objective. -.- it wasnt what as good as we expected. seriously. then we stayed at some random persons place near the main place where a few people bathed there. i just chatted with my group mates and our psl eugene. then we went back for dinner and the 'wedding'. was kinda boring actually. zzz then we went back to the hotel, and i almost knocked into a pillar. -.- seriously.

i think the third day was the best. we went for the FRIM [forest research institute of malaysia i think] walk. was quite nice, but we didnt see anything much. our whole group didnt get bitten by leeches haha, though some of us were looking for leeches to put into russells shorts. T.T we wanted leeches and didnt get any and the other groups didnt want them and got some. how stupid is that. we then went to the choc house. T.T i was too poor so i could only buy one box of coconut white chocs. quite nice though. theyre all gone already. (: but dtiong scam my 1 ringgit! gahh. cos i swop with him 5 sing for 11 ringgit. ahh heck. afterwards we went to the kl tower. i think we went up 250m was so cool lar. was kinda slack, we had a light high-tea, and i just sat around talking to friends. the view was also damn nice. i saw a rainbow! it was like so cool... first time i saw a rainbow up close i think. then as we were waiting for the lift down we were like telling lame and sick jokes. -.- and testing out pick-up lines. man they were seriously stupid. especially mine. T.T in fact i think the only one lamer than mine was davids. "if i said your body was hot, would you hold it against me?" -.- some lame analogy. then we went to chinatown, and tried out our bargaining skills. lol i help zac bargain for a barca shirt for his bro. cut the price by about half. lol i bought this super poser imitation rolex watch for 50 ringgit. down from 85. i know it was a ripoff and i seriously shouldnt have bought it. the watch strap broke as soon as i went on the bus. -.- i managed to fix it, but guess what. the watch strap broke again as i was walking along the road and the whole glass like smashed. and the watch stopped as well. so thats bye 50 ringgit. T.T sigh. well i guess it was a lesson learnt. then we had some lousy steamboat dinner were barely anyone ate anything. i just walked around the whole place talking to random people.

sadly, it was the last day of MM. we went to putra jaya [i think its spelt like that] for lunch and some talk. quite boring. then it was the long bus ride back to singapore. zzz. well actually i didnt sleep much, the bus was quite lively. we reached back at about 8, or 8 plus.

the montage was quite fun, better than what i had originally expected. the morning pt, however, seriously sucked. no one was enthu and the exercises and jog was lame. and the leaders were seriously damn extra. just stand around in some poser singlet telling us what to do. he wasnt even doing the exercises. although max didnt go for the jog, even he had some decency to do the exercises with us. eddy goh is some poser extra shit.

well to round off, i seriously want to thank my groupmates. D3 DAYANG FTW! lol you guys really werent what i expected, and i especially like to thank my new friends wang kwan, yuan hao, khairi [sorry if i spelt your name wrongly ><] and the cutie aaron! seriously, im not gay. but this guy is like damn cute lar. me and zac 'bought' him, so from 3am to 3pm he belonged to zac, and from 3pm to 3am he belonged to me. -.- okay that seriously sounded damn wrong. but nvm. on the whole, the MM was truly and enriching experience for me, and this post sounds like an essay. -.- zzz.

2007-05-26T23:32:00.000+08:00

shit i seriously feel kinda tired for some weird reason. >< will probably write about mm tmr. night.

2007-05-26T22:14:00.000+08:00

ahh back from the malaysia montage. wasnt as bad as i expected. made some new friends. (: anw im still trying to remember most of what happened during the trip so i shall post about it later when im feeling less lazy. zzz. anw shall just make this a short post about about sunday and monday.

on sunday was a relatively boring day, except for my sisters confirmation. its like a catholic graduation type of thing when youre sec 4. was stoning throughout the whole mass and was feeling kinda tired and irritated. so my mom kept asking me to do stupid things which i didnt want to, like taking pictures, so i blatantly defied her. or something like that. anyway we then went out for dinner with my sisters godmother and her family, who all turned up to watch. i was stoning throughout dinner as well, so when we reached home, i had a huge argument with my dad. basically it was like your regular argument with your parents about shit like respect and attitude. multiplied by 10. dont wanna go into details, so forget about it. was kinda emotionally distraught after that, until i watched the last episode of some chinese drama i taped. it was seriously damn touching and nice. i watched it again today. (: about these two orphan sworn brothers who are damn skilled and their best friend has to kill them in order to ascend to the throne from the father, who is the emperor, because the fathers concubine is a girl one of the brothers dumped, to she manipulated the father to get his son to kill the brothers in order to ascend the throne. its damn confusing. so the brothers were ready for it, because they had had a vision of their future, which also was a prophecy. so before they went to see their best friend, they had to talk to their girlfriends. they both have two girls who like them. o.O how imba. anyway, one of the brothers liked only one of his girls, so he outrightly told her that he was gonna die. she told him she would respect whatever his decision was, but eventually broke down and cried in his arms. its damn cliche, but it was still very touching. so he told her not to tell the other girl, who was kind of their friend, but eventually she was so worried she told the other girl. the conversation was like:
(the girl he loves is the second girl)
1st girl: i passed him to you and now youre sending him to his grave?!
2nd girl: i will respect whatever decision he has made.
1st girl: but you are still worried, otherwise you wouldnt have come to me!
then they both started running to the meeting place of the guys. anw the other guy went to tell both girls, who are best frineds as well, that he did not love them anymore. or rather he told that to the girl he really didnt love anymore. then he just told the girl he loved that she would be disappointed with his decision, so she thought he chose the other girl. they were both waiting for his choice, because he earlier had told them he was gonna choose one of them or something like that. so eventually they met at a fork as they were leaving the city. the dialogue was:
(the girl he loves is also the second girl)
1st girl: hello.
2nd girl: hello. where are you going?
1st girl: what about you?
2nd girl: im going back to my fathers house. it is better to get an answer quickly and not drag this on...
1st girl: yes. since he has made a decision you should act accordingly. but we are still sisters, arent we?
2nd girl: of course! our friendships not going to change because of a guy!
1st girl: well good to know. well then take care.
2nd girl: you too.
then they rode of on their horses, so they both still think the guy chose the other girl, cos you can see the conversation was so misleading. -.- but then...
1st and 2nd girl simultaneously: my blessings to both of you!
then they were like staring blankly at each other before the 2nd girl quickly rode back.
1st girl: didnt he choose you?!
2nd girl: didnt he choose YOU?!
1st girl: no, he told me our love was completely over.
2nd girl: all he told me was that he didnt want to tell me his decision, because it would hurt me!
1st girl: oh no he in trouble! lets go!
2nd girl: stupid guy!
-.- well it was kinda funny, in a weird and sad way. so anyway they both went off to the meeting place as well. there was some guy dialogue, about being best friends forever, and the third guy was explaining to them about what had happened. well the brothers knew they had to die at his hands, so they had already kinda figured out the reason the father would give. anyway, it was really dramatic, the girls arrived just as the third guy had slain the brothers throats with one slash. they run to their respective guys they kneel next to their bodies, just crying and calling their names. and more crying. then suddenly its like this whole image become kinda warped, then the brothers are like looking at their own dead bodies with the girls crying next to them. so they must be in some nether world or something. then they start talking to each other and the one of the brothers, the one with the two girls he both likes or liked, wants to revive his brother, cos he has just enough energy to revive one of them. so the other guy was obviously like no we are brothers and are destined to stay together for life, but the other one says no you have to stay alive to keep an eye on the emperor. make sure he keeps his word and does a good job of running the country.then the guy who was supposed to be revived disappears. so then theres a scene of 10 years later, with the country prospering. so the brother was in the crowds outside the palace, with the girl he loves. the conversation is as follows:
guy: he would have been pleased to see this.
then a little girl comes running up to his and tugs his shirt.
girl: uncle, a lady who loves you asked me to pass this to you.
she passes him a fruit basket, then slips away. he spots a letter and reads it.
though i am not the one by your side, and i have failed to win your heart, but i once had you. i will cherish this memory all my life.
he looks around wildly, then he suddenly spots her walking away, with his super-sharp eyes.
guy: its her. i wonder if that little girl was her disciple... or her daughter.
girl: although she once had you, and even if that little girl is her daughter, she cant possibly be related to you.
guy: [smiles] are you feeling jealous? since i was revived, i knew i was destined to live the rest of my life in seclusion. who else would have endure it with me but you?
girl: [smiles as well] thats right. so how are you planning to repay me?
hahas its kinda funny but still very touching. man i love the whole series. (:

as for mon, it was kinda slow. i cant rmbr what we had for lessons, but i rmbr priscilla lim scolding me, saying i had to cut my hair. she even said matthews hair was the say length as mine, but neater, so it wouldnt fail. liar. i was like so much shorter, and she would probably say the same thing even if i combed my hair. heck. then had rugby, and i hadnt fully recovered yet, but i just went so as to not piss off the coach. he made use run like shit to make up for the sessions david missed. he was like you run once for every session david missed. david how many did you miss? 3? then david said err... 6. the whole team was like what the david youre gonna pay for this. well later on at night i wanted to make one final post before malaysian montague, but i was too busy packing. i was kinda dreading it, but it turned out quite okay, even kinda fun. (: shall elaborate more on it in my next post, cos im feeling lazy and brain-dead now. anyway this is some super long post already. byes.

i bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away.

2007-05-19T23:47:00.000+08:00

sigh friday was kinda dull, had geog for first period. my grp like, werent fully prepared for our presentation, bt well, it ended up okay. then had hist. mr koh showed us more of pearl harbour, cos he said we were ahead of the other classes and they werent done with our ccts. all those killings made me... uneasy. i dunno, i mean like all my classmates, with several exceptions, were totally immersed, and were like even shouting when the americans were bombed. and not out of protest. they were more of cheering, and that made me uneasy. i couldnt even bear to watch part of it, all the mindless killing for power, and whats the point of it all? if the world would live in peace, things would be so much better, and everyone wouldnt have to live in fear of others, be it terrorists or even your own friends, if they backstab you. sighhs...

well on with the lessons. after recess had math, and was totally screwed by priscilla lim for not handing the cct. well i hadnt had it signed by my parents yet, cos it was like so tough and i screwed it up. well anw i was jus reminded that i still have 59 lines to copy. bleahhs. and one line is like super long lar, like 7 lines on foolscap. >< after math had some slack re lecture which no one was listening to. i wanted to copy lines, but there were several teachers sitting a few rows behind me, so i just stoned. and dozed off abit. hahas i saw a teacher who fell asleep too. nice to know some of them are like that. xp

as for today not much kind of a slow weekend. its 3 more days to malaysia montage so wanted to start packing, bt never did much. took out some clothes but theyre still lying on my bed, waiting to be put into the bag. read some random article in the newspaper about students in elite schools felling superior or inferior to their peers. naturally, the percentage of students feeling superior are way higher in elite schools as compared to non-elite schools. lifes so unfair that way. people think they are superior to others just cos the have talent, looks, brains or money. so what? everyone has their own merits, and just because god decided to give you more gifts than others, you should be thinking of how you could contribute to society or the less fortunate, instead of flaunting it around. if people were all made of equal status, knowledge,looks and wealth, life would be kinda dull, but it would sure as hell beat being painful for some.

so many, bright lights they cast a shadow. but can I speak? well is it hard understanding, i'm incomplete. a life that's so demanding, i get so weak. a love that's so demanding, i can't speak.

2007-05-18T23:03:00.000+08:00

heyys this is my first post for my first ever blog! (: shant make it too emo yeah. hmm thanks to anyone and everyone who helped me make this blog. (: [hahas this sounds like some prize presentation.] i shall try to update it on a regular basis, if i have time. well i shall go do some random stuff. byes!

i know you may feel this blog sucks, but its my first attempt, so yeah. pls tag and comment on the blog.